Harry Potter and the John Lennon Glasses
by FregandGord
Summary: Harry Potter, in his 7th and final year at Hogwarts, is popular at school, particularly with the girls. But being so popular can be dangerous, and Harry now has a powerful, envious enemy... [HarryxEveryone]
1. The Evil Begins

**_Authoresses' Notes: _Welcome back everybody! Gord here, and as Freg has decided to go on holiday, we are joined here today with a friend who wishes to call herself 'DP-lover' Welcome to the show!**

Yeah hello everybody! Please enjoy this crazy wacked up story that we have put together, written by Gord and DP-lover!

**And Harry's craziness is intentionally Out of Character! XD**

_**Chapter One: 'The Evil Begins…'**_

One day Lord Voldemort was sitting in his cauldron of doom, at the bottom of a deep, dark well. He was concocting an evil plan, as usual.

"That Harry Potter… he gets so many girls..," Voldemort fumed, "all because of his -slightly– more beautiful face than mine!" And Voldemort spent the next few minutes drooling over Harry…

">cough cough> Ah yes, ahhhmmm... I must do something, something EVIL to stop him, and then, hahahha! Then those girls won't be able to resist my irresistible charm! Mwahahha!"

_**X**xxx**X**xxx**X**_

Meanwhile, little Harry Potter, (not so little anymore), being 17 and in his 7th and final year at Hogwarts, sat in his dormitory.

"Hmmm…. no, not that one… no, Katie's much too fat… not Parvati… too ugly…. hmmm…" he muttered to himself, crossing various names off a long sheet of paper. Suddenly Hermione stormed into the room, just as Harry came across her name.

"Nah…" said Harry, and scribbled her name out.

"Wha-what?" stuttered Hermione stupidly, "Why did you cross my name off your attractive girls list?"

"Because, my dear, you are not attractive, of course," replied Harry coolly, applying his lip balm in front of the mirror, "My wonderfully deceased father, Dumbledore, once advised me that I must wed an _attractive _girl and, regretfully, the _only _one in Gryffindor I have found, is Snape."

"But, but…. YOU BITCH!" screamed Hermione, and dashed out of the room crying.

"Ah, screw it," said Harry heartlessly, "Now, where did those glasses get to?"

Harry began rummaging in his closet.

"Ah yes, I must have left them outside after that rather _interesting _game of 'Quidditch' with Ron yesterday…"

So Harry strolled out onto the Quidditch Pitch, and almost immediately spotted a pair of glasses, lying quite forgotten upon the lawn.

Putting them on happily, Harry skipped off to meet Hagrid for a cup of tea.

* * *

**Hahahaha! Next chappie will be up soon! Plz review, peoples!**

Thanks for reading the first chapter of our story, Harry Potter and the John Lennon Glasses! Cya next time!

**- Gord **and DP-Lover -


	2. Harry's Day

**_Authoresses's Notes: _****Welcome back y'all! **

Yes welcome back!

**Sorry this chappie took so long, and that it is also extremely short! Thanks for all the reviews!**

Hope you enjoy it!

_**Chapter Two: 'Harry's Day…'**_

Lord Voldemort shifted uncomfortably in his tiny cauldron and gazed into his crystal ball. He stroked it, whispered soothing words, bashed it a few times, and on it appeared the famous Harry Potter skipping happily across a bright green, freshly-trimmed lawn.

Lord Voldemort leaned closer, squinting, and noticing Harry wearing a pair of pink-shaded glasses, clapped his hands together and laughed.

"Hahahaha! He has fallen for my ingenious trap!" yelled Voldemort in triumph, cradling Harry's real glasses in his clawed fingers, "Now I must wait, for it will soon take effect…"

_**X**xxx**X**xxx**X**_

"So 'ow yer holidays b'in, 'Arry?"

Harry sat in Hagrid's crammed little hut, sipping tea.

"Oh, quite fine, Hagrid, quite fine…" replied Harry politely. "Ah Hagrid," he sighed, "have you noticed how few girls in this school would actually be worth marrying?"

"Aye, 'Arry… there's a small number, alrigh'," said Hagrid thoughtfully, "Ah, but what abou' tha' Weasley girl? Ginny?"

Harry shook his head, "Nay, I broke up with her months ago… much too cliché. And she was so _unattractive_ as well. And I unfortunately discovered one afternoon that her love stays in the cauldron with Slughorn…"

Hagrid blinked.

"Uhmmm… well, 'Arry, the righ' girl'll come along som'time…," Hagrid said wearily, "By th' way, are those new glasses, 'Arry? Look a bi' weird…"

Harry took off his glasses, and squinted through the lenses.

"Yes, I see what you mean, Hagrid, dear friend; these glasses are pink!" Harry tutted, "And, furthermore, are much too circular! These will never do! I must get some new ones, mustn't I?"

"Yea', 'Arry, good idea, they aren' all tha' flatterin' on ya eitha', 'Arry. Best get som' new ones."

"Yes, Hagrid. Dear dear, these glasses are as pink as Ginny's ugly face! Which I actually kissed!"

_**X**xxx**X**xxx**X**_

After his eventful journey to Hagrid's place, Harry wandered about the grounds, feeling that as he was popular and the top of the school, he could get away with being outdoors after hours.

A weird misty figure floated off away in the gardens, and, moving closer, Harry saw it was the ghost of his dead father. Dumbledore was picking flowers, humming a Beatles song quietly to himself.

"Ah, Harry…" spoke Dumbledore as Harry walked up to him, "What are you doing out this late at night? You know it's dangerous… especially for a man of your… high status."

Harry patted his father awkwardly. "Oh, don't worry, daddy, I'll be just fine, so why don't you just go back to your plans to drug all the students so I can win the Quidditch Cup again, okay?"

"Right you are, my son. I mustn't be getting distracted!" laughed Dumbledore and flew off up to the Owlery to check if his owl, Doodles, had delivered the drugs yet.

* * *

**Hmm. Crazy chapter.**

Yes it was! I hope you liked it!

**>shakes head> Ah well. The next one is where it really starts getting interesting! DUN DUN DAAAA! Will Hermione confront Harry again?**

Will Dumbledore's drugs arrive?

**Will there be a MOOSE? In truth, I do not have the slightest clue. Please review!**

CYA!

**- Gord **and DP-lover -


	3. Fashions

**_Authoresses' Notes Again:_** **We have returned!**

This was made when we were going crazy ! Please take this into consideration when you read !

**What she said. XD This is an EXTREMELY random chapter. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.**

_**Chapter Three: 'Fashions…'**_

Voldemort huddled inside his cauldron, frowning to himself.

"Why is it taking so damn long!" he screamed, tearing out his non-existent hair. "Harry should have gone delirious by now! Oh, where did I go wrong?" he lamented sadly.

Just then, a real-estate agent appeared, lowering himself down the well in a little wooden basket.

"Excuse me, can I use your phone?" he asked, "I need to make a collect call to my grandmother. I think she might be dying outside in the wood."

"What the hell?" said Voldemort in shock, "I don't have a phone! I live in a well! What the f!ck do you think I am! A complete retard?"

As Voldemort continued to hurl silly insults at the dude, a piercing cat noise suddenly echoed down the well.

"Mr Fuzzums! You've come back!" called the voice joyfully, "Why are you up on that wall? Do you want to end up like your mother? I only just finished eating her, you know!"

Voldemort suddenly realised a gerbil was crawling out of his pants.

He screamed.

_**X**xxx**X**xxx**X**_

Later that night he sat down by the imaginary fire in his bucket, found the gerbil, and ate it.

"What? NO CHICKEN?"

_**X**xxx**X**xxx**X**_

"Harry! Harry, wake up!"

Harry Potter opened his eyes. He saw… a chicken. No wait, it was Hermione.

"Dude, where's my gerbil?" yelled Harry, waving his arms around and doing that cool thing rappers do.

Hermione raised an eyebrow.

"Harry, are you feeling alright? You do realise you fell asleep still wearing your glasses, don't you?"

Harry shook his head in confusion. "Why Hermione, you look absolutely horrible today!" he exclaimed.

"Harry! Viktor said that it is most fashionable in Bulgaria to wear a toilet upon your head! I'm in _fashion_!" protested Hermione.

"But that's not a toilet!" said Harry, "That's Professor Snape!"

Hermione gasped, realising he was correct. It was, in fact, Snape atop her head.

Harry chuckled. "You are ugly, Hermione! Ugly as a camel's butt!"

"I am not!" cried Hermione, "Viktor Krum picked me!"

"But that's because you drugged him," said Harry matter-of-factly.

"But Harry! He was going for Malfoy!" Hermione yelled.

Snape finally spoke up.

"Mmm, Malfoy…"

_**X**xxx**X**xxx**X**_

It was late afternoon on a Friday morning, and the Gryffindors had Potions with the Slytherins. As usual, Professor Snape was late, and Harry and Malfoy were facing off in a staring competition out in the corridor. The tension was high.

Harry's eye was beginning to twitch.

Just as Harry was almost twitched out, the locked classroom door burst open in a wave of sparkly lights. Professor Snape loomed out of the darkness, accompanied by a fresh cloud of smoke.

To his disappointment, he received no applause. Probably because of his outfit: he wore a floral pink gypsy skirt and a tight white tank top with the word "BITCH" written across it in bold pink lettering.

The class gaped. Harry's eyes widened and his heart stopped.

"_Oh my god, he is like, _so _a cross dresser!" _thought Hermione randomly.

"Oh dear, forgot to change out of my ballet gear…" muttered Snape suspiciously, and rushed back through the open doorway. Half a second later he Apparated back in his normal attire: a plain black set of wizard's work robes, and a pretty pink feathered pirate hat.

Straightening his hat, Snape scrutinised his class. "Well what are you all doing waiting out here?" he demanded, "Come on, come on, in you go, all you time-wasting bastards…"

So the class filed into the still-smoke-filled classroom for another fun-filled lesson with the deranged pirate.

* * *

**Yay for us. I love that chapter.**

I'm not on drugs…

**lol, I think I am. XD Oh and the bit with Voldemort was NOT, in fact, Harry's dream. It really happened!**

Weird, huh?

**Hell yeah. Please review! We'll update, sometime!**

Thanx!

- **Gord **and DP-lover -


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